(This) risk is (my) business
You say you want me to be able to do a fun thing. And in the same breath, you try to throw 50 questions at me about why I cannot go. When I have given all these answers as satisfactorily as I can, with specifics as to how I would handle difficulties..,you still have doubts…this says to me that what you would really like is for me not to go, in order that you might stop worrying.
And guess what? The rest of the family is able to love me even if. Even if , because of physical problems I am having, the most socially unacceptable thing in the world happens to me in the middle of a wedding reception, *in public view* wherein I would then have to slink off and do something about it…
They would continue to love me.
You can, and you do, But there are always these interrogations with you. These endless major or minor litmus tests of a given choice. or “you cannot,” or “you should not,” or “you ought to.”
FTLOG, I am choosing to take a risk. A risk that might result in me having a good time.
And, bye the bye, FTLOG, I am fifty two years old.
This isn’t about my bad choices about food or money, where I understand anyone’s desire to intervene, And would welcome that at this point
This is a choice I am capable of making without harming anybody.
Leave me be, and let me make it. If the bride or groom tell me not to come then I will not. But that is the only time that I will not.
Dear Therapist
, you’ve noticed, have you not that I have no cognitive problem. That I’m aware of my surroundings and I can watch my physicality. That I can be mindful of it and now after much work, compensate for it. If I say I can move it a certain way without risk I can I have not fallen since last October 2 months before my captivity began. I have not over done anything. I have been in therapy gradually relearnimg the skills I need to leave this place . It appears you are placing artificial limits on my ability to depart. Don’t think I don’t know what you are doing. This facility would like nothing better then continuing to collect the increased therapy visit fees allowed under my Medicaid HMO caresource. But I’m not into subsidizing your salary or this building. That’s not why I’m here. I am here to hone a limited set of skills and then take them to the world and use them as I please. You very well know I will have help and I can document with texts and Facebook messages if necessary to the people involved who have agreed to start working for me when I leave. In other words I’d much rather pay them than you. they only have to care for me as opposed to me and 14 other people.
If I get any more indications that the barriers to my leaving are artificial and set up to financially benefit this facility…..
… Well, let’s just say you’ve never worked with me before, & I have some moves you may not have seen.
I am so sorry
I am so sorry for the inconvenience of these changes. But my life has changed. My ability to move has changed. My ability to dress has changed. and my ability to do the most private things has also changed. That means that if you want to see me you’re going to have to come to my place. If you want to know about my life you will have to come to me. Travel is out, even some local celebrations. I am not attempting to be difficult, this is simply the way it is.
I understand that your lives are different ; that you have little experience with what I’ve dealt with, and what I’m going to be dealing with in the future.
If you cannot visit with me in person I suggest using Skype which is much more satisfying than a phone call because you can see the face of the person you are speaking with.
I understand there’s also something called Snapchat which I don’t have yet that is a similar service.
I still believe that it’s worth your time to visit or communicate with me. My physical therapist told me they haven’t laughed so hard in months. So my current value lies in my being entertaining. Being entertaining is my last real job .I can still do that well even in my limited circumstances. That is a value inherent in coming to see me .
I will always continue to work on exercise and my health because after 5 months of it I recognize it needs to be done. I do have a note for my exercising family. I have not experienced the endorphin rush that is supposed to come with exercise. It just gives me muscle fatigue. That is a positive result according to my therapist it means something is getting done but I don’t think I even buy the endorphin rush idea for exercise. I don’t believe it but I’m doing what good I can for myself physically and mentally and will continue to do so if I get home.
I will be interested to find out how many connections I keep long-term once I am home.
Grievance of the day
Here is my grievance of the day. To the phantom aide who turned off my assistance light (I saw a hand come over.the curtain and shut the thing off) Turning off the assistance light and walking back out of the room does not solve the problem that the assistance light was pushed to solve..resetting that light put an entire extra hour onto my waiting time.
I see the outside worlders…
Doing drugs and alcohol deliberately to screw up their lives or having a dramatic meltdown about things that I’ve seen as small potatoes, small ball simplistic stuff.
Don’t like the way your house looks? Find a decorator quietly and invite us over afterwards.
Don’t like the way your child is doing in school? encourage him. Check for tutoring opportunities, watch his mental health, be there, oversee him. Of course if there’s some medical issue that’s affecting his grades address it. Don’t sit too long in denial.
If you don’t like your marriage, end it in a civilized manner and find another partner.
And by the way the economy is still bad. Which means check yourself before you leave that job without having another.if there is a valid reason of course do what you need to. Do so mindfully. Check yourself and your actions before you take that leap without having something else lined up first. Keep your car running in your rent paid.
There that’s my advice take it or leave it.
I’m busy trying to make a plan for home and survive another 3 weeks here which I would bet is tougher than almost all the scenarios listed above.
Do I sound like a victim today? Certainly I do. Because right now in this instance that is what I am.
Midlife And Treachery 
