Internal Disability

February 6, 2009 at 5:34 PM (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

Gut trouble again…..It’s been one of those flare up days.  I went to work and left two hours later, humilated with my clothing destroyed.

I cried  but it wasn’t misery. It was bottled up rage and  fury.

Since I’m still fat (when you’re this size losing thirty pounds doesn’t mean much to outside observers)  It’s assumptions about my food intake…part of them assumes it’s self inflicted.

It’s not.  I can’t consume fat anymore at *all* (as opposed to the occasional weekend bit of bacon or a burger before I had the gall bladder out), due to the recent surgery….and portions are forced to be small.

It always feels like a Higher Power is laughing at my attempts at control.

And politically incorrectly, I hate and despise this particular impairment.

I don’t expect people to see this as something I’ve integrated, accepted and is a part of me, the disability rights rhetoric of  ‘my impairments are intrinsic to my sense of self, and I wouldn’t be me without them.’

I’ll always hate this.  Unremitting, constant hate.

Can’t get past it.  Can’t grow up about it.

Just anger all day long.

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Resolve to move forward…

January 20, 2009 at 6:54 PM (Uncategorized) (, )

I hate hate hate resolve.  I hate resolving to move forward…It seems to me that I’ve done it more than the average bear; but just because I’m good at it doesn’t mean I have to like it.  Like my mom, who was a great cutter-of-my-hair, but hated it.

So as I recover from surgery, I will attempt to return to work. (pending probable clearance from the surgeon tomorow.)

Earning a paycheck, for however long it lasts in this economy.

My ‘challenge’ is not quite what our new President was thinking of when he advised us all that we all need to commit to working together…

It’s just waking up, dressing, rolling out the door, parking by a desk and picking up the phone.

That’s it.

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The dumbest thing…

December 16, 2008 at 11:32 AM (Uncategorized) (, , , )

In this economy, possibly the dumbest thing any older, female, heavyset,impaired worker can do is…

Call in sick.

They think I have a choice…they think I stayed home because it was ****ing cold yesterday (Hello? Having a garage means rarely having to say you’re frozen.)

My gut has put me in the can’t-leave-the-house stage for two days now…

I was also full of fever last night which is not usual…

If this puts me low on the list…I cannot *help* it.

I’ve actually gotten good enough at this job, that I’d rather go and do it just slightly more than stay at home and blog. My concentration and focus have improved thanks to the summer medication changes…but I may have just signed my walking papers.

Those same meds, yes, are the reason the edge is off my blogging (along with a full schedule), but I figure this is better than some careening emotional nightmare…I’ll stick with the meds.

Fate, the universe, Deity, circumstance…whatever… Even if you cease to eat like clockwork at 4:00 on Sunday afternoon, and have had no large servings of dairy, veggies, citrus, tomato sauce or nuts all weekend, sticking with the foods that don’t bother you…

Random chaos will ensue, and there’s no particular pattern to it. It ensues less *often* but it ensues.

I don’t have control of my ability to achieve the able bodied version of reliability. Period. Life has been telling all of us able or not recently, in various ways that there are more and more things that are out of our control.

I’ve never been good at acceptance of “the way things have to be,” because honestly, half the time that’s nothing but bullsh!t. I always thought that, “No,” there’s a way to push *any* circumstance/task in a different direction to get closer to the outcome *you* want, and further away from the standard response to any roadblock.

Not so. Nope. There are bricks I cannot crack,melt,flamethrow,crush,roll or push out of my own way.

So, you may see me with more time to blog….

To be continued….

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Personal Space

August 7, 2008 at 6:10 PM (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

I figure I can make this post generic enough that it won’t divulge anything proprietary about my present employer…

There’s a ghost in my department, a poltergeist, a gnome, a trickster…or some real person crossing a line, I’m not sure which

I have an ergonomically designed chair and desk, that have been altered to suit my specifications.

Every morning for nearly two weeks I come into work, and my chair is raised to its maximum height, as are the chair’s armrests.  No one elses chair has been subject to nocturnal alteration.

Since I cannot reach the lever by myself, a coworker has to come and sit in the chair and lower it back down each morning…

This began to hack me off.

Boss and co-workers have said they have not been there, and  are gone by the time I leave, anyway so they’re ruled out.  (there may be some covert investigation going on that they are not allowed to disclose, but there’s been little tension at work lately, so I discount that)

I checked with IT…none of them have had to do any long term nocturnal fixes to my computer.

I checked with Maintenance, and they advised that they’d checked and they have no people up there either…

I then wrote a professional letter and attached it to the back of my chair, making a pointed, albeit professionally polite request that no one adjust my chair after working hours period, and that no one sit in that chair unless business needs compel them to do so.  (I don’t want some loose cannon in amongst my desk and computer, with the potential to make me look bad, mess up my email, jeopardize the job, etc )

It is taped to the back of my chair.

And still this morning the chair and arms were again into the stratosphere

Our strategy tonight was to hide the chair in the departmental “food cube” the unoccupied corner reserved for smaller potluck foods, or Friday’s muffin, donut, or bagel departmental treat.

If the chair is raised up, in the food cube, dragged back to my cube and raised up, or someone has moved another chair into my cube, then this will be serious…

We’ll see.

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Itermittentcy, or how to dissapoint

June 16, 2008 at 6:39 AM (Uncategorized) (, , , )

One of the societal barriers (if you happen to be a Social Model of Disability sort) or the more frustrating things linked to my impairments (if you happen to be a Medical Model of Disability sort) is that sometimes I do well and sometimes I don’t.

But people who know me mostly from the times I do well get upset, worried, irritated, sometimes even visibly frustrated or angry if I don’t live up to the potential of the times I’m doing well.

I think, that *they* believe sincerely that I could, and *should* do well in pain or depression  or impairment management *all the time* and see it as a ‘personal choice.’

They are incorrect.  I don’t know how much more clearly I could phrase that.

I’ve been told that I need a social worker, but not told ‘how’ to get one. I don’t have the supports of someone who has been ‘in the system’ a long time, don’t have the math or scientific brain to learn IT so that I could find a job where telecommuting is the norm. My family is 1300 miles from here, and again I have to work through what my docs tell me completely on my own.  I’m glad I have a roomate, or I would have had a spectacular sort of meltdown a good while ago.

From the outside a person would say that over the past seven months or so, until recently I wasn’t managing my depression as well as I could have and yet I have numerous examples from my life experience where other’s live’s *completely imploded* because they would not recognize the depression at all, rather than just a partial reworking, as mine is doing right now.  So, it’s relative folks.

Chronic pain over the long haul can wear one out, too, and having a torn tendon for nine months and not knowing it…and there may be some relief in sight for that soon, or not…because while my newest doc is knowledgeable about ‘feet’ he hasn’t often dealt with cerebral palsy from what I gather (anticipatory sigh).

I’m acutely self aware of what my time away from work costs my coworkers in stress, overloading and aggravation.  I hate it, because they are good people, decent to work with which is a rare thing, and I’d imagine my coworkers and bosses feel pretty screwed right now….

I’m doing the best I can.  My doctors may or may not say I can return to work next week.  We’ll see.

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