Used to be…

May 31, 2008 at 10:48 AM (Uncategorized) (, )

I don’t know whether I should blog on this, but I will anyway.

I need to put it out there in case things come out difficult for me.

My medicine for depression/anxiety has gradually become less efficacious;  I’m on a new medication that will not tell it’s efficacy for another month.

It is frightening when your emotions end up running you.

It’s as if your former self is watching and observing.

As you withdraw from what you fear.

As you, who used to be social, withdraw from anyone you do not already know, because you literally fear to speak to them.

You cry often, over things that make no sense to others.

When you are not terrified, you are angry, taking it out with a potty mouth and broken inanimate objects,

But you have enough sense left to seek medical help and get the medicine altered.

For the job I do, my emotions *must* be in my control for eight hours on the phone.  I cannot have a thin skin, I cannot raise my voice, I cannot have a schoolmarmish, lecturing, brusque, weary or exasperated tone, *especially* if customers seem to me to *be* wearying or exasperating.

Those are metrics measured for my performance, not just common sense.

And *on my good days* I find that extraordinarily difficult,

Being nice to people and listening to their concerns is not in fact, *intrinsic* to my nature.  I’d rather just explain the problem and fix it without making nice.  I do it though, because I am capable of learning and it became a learned behaviour for me.

I submit that since it’s a learned skill and not a natural gift for pleasantry over the phone (which the roomie has in *spades*) it makes it more difficult, even on good days.

Part of my job is to *act as if* I’m cheerful and ready to fight whatever battles the customer wants me to fight for them within company policy.

Right now, I do not run my emotions…*they run me*  and that makes me bad phone material.

People who don’t believe there is any such thing as mental ilness believe that every emotional state or action is a conscious choice.

I’m sorry to disagree. A chemical imbalance can be observed, but has to be acted upon medically.  If there are situational *aspects* to the depression, therapy helps with that sometimes, depending on the patient, and the therapist.

My emotions take me to completely different places when my meds aren’t working, so that I don’t much recognize myself.

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4 Comments

  1. bridgett said,

    So, to be clear as I can, should you go to that remote island, I am to take all means necessary to pull you back to shore?

  2. imfunny2 said,

    I would imagine so….yes…

  3. Emily said,

    I agree with you about mental illnesses. Depression runs in my family, and I’ve seen how it can truly affect someone. I have two family members on medication for depression, and both go to therapy as well. I think that both of these aspects of treatment are helpful to them. The other idea that bothers me is the idea that depression is something that can be “cured,” which I think is similar to the belief that you can just “decide” to get out of a depression and get rid of it. I think it is something that is managed, rather than ever “cured.” Just my two cents’ worth, though! Anyways, I just came across your blog and liked it; thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  4. imfunny2 said,

    Thanks Emily….I am glad you like the place…

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