If My LexiTheSchnauzer had been Dorothy’s dog…

October 18, 2009 at 2:12 PM (Uncategorized) (, , )

The minute Miss Gulch went after her Lexi would have destroyed her fugly support hose and punctured the tires on her bycicle with her teeth…followed her home and barked until dawn, driving that prissy freak crazy from lack of sleep, and hidden from any gunshot Miss Gulch might want to fire.

She would have  gnawed at the socks of the dead Wicked Witch of the East, just to show her dominance.

She would have loved the Scarecrow, and slept peaceably on top of his head.  He would have forgiven her for the occasional straw pulling, I’m sure. She’d have been annoyed that she couldn’t chomp on the Tin Man, and barked and played with the Cowardly Lion until he was no longer fearful.

Upon facing the Winged Monkeys:

“You talkin to me?  You talkin to Me!” …and leaped and snapped and barked at them until they fled in terror.

She woulda had the Wicked Witch of the West barking mad in no time. Played fetch with the crystal ball and cracked it, stolen her clothes, destroyed her broom, knocked over the hourglass,…and stood sentinel at Dorothy’s feet.

But there would have been a problem at the end, I think.

She would have shot a look at Dorothy:

He!! no! I don’t want to go back to Kansas!  The rats are faster (and they talk back!), the dog food’s better, and I have cooler playmates, the Horse of Many Colors and the NoLongerCowardly Lion!

Ruby slippers my ***!

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Glinda’s the real ‘witch’ in Oz

March 22, 2008 at 3:52 PM (Uncategorized) (, , )

So, TCM has the Wizard of Oz on now…

And I’m a cynic.

There were *already* two good witches available in Oz before the twister dropped the sepia  toned house into Technicolor Oz. (We never see or hear of a good Witch in the South, but…logic would suggest she exists)

Glinda is obviously spending too much time in front of her mirror to bother to kick TWWoTEast’s butt.  She could have *done* it obviously…But she’s been too busy admiring herself to care about the little people…But a mortal girl and a yappy dog…She sees them as the perfect answer (along with a sack of staw, a tin can, and a loopy lion.).

Glinda:  “I’m not going to *tell* her that all she needs to do is touch her heels three times to get back to Kansas: one accidental death isn’t enough…at least not until she’s handled that uppity green broomrider for me….  Spells, truly terrifying flying monkey’s and those guards in the fake Russian outfits…I might muss my hair.  Or heavens! I could lose my crown!  Not about to take on the Western Witch…no siree.  The girl’s a foreigner. An illegal immigrant.  She won’t be missed.  And what dreadful hair!

(though, distantly from Kansas, I heard her voice, and I’m dying of jealousy over it…Best she go down fighting like a hero…)

I can send her to that useless Wizard. Maybe he’ll occupy himself with her problems and stop pestering me to hook up.

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