I have a quirky brain

May 8, 2014 at 8:29 PM (Uncategorized)

Its associative linkages
are, shall we say, a bit off.

Musical memories for example are hyper ingrained, thus the reason I now have PTSD about any music with words from about 1935 to 1999 or so.  In general, I remember too much, compared with others. I almost wish I had the facility of forgetfulness that others use, or have intrinsically.

So today, a  friend, who was honestly trying to do something nice, ended up striking an old, old, nerve instead.

They gave me a doofus  playful little compliment.  We have a simple easy friendship today, that I would have very much liked to keep.

A large achievement,  considering.  And this post may very well blow that up.

And I flashed back to something that I am long over, something I don’t want to matter to me anymore. Something that shouldn’t matter to me anymore.  But it does.

When that person first met me, a lifetime ago, he admitted that at first glance he was”repulsed ” by my appearance,gait, what have you, but upon getting to know me I was upgraded to”kinda cool. ”

And during that time I was stupidly, hugely, obviously in the middle of having a gigantic crush on him. And I flashed right back to that today. The “never good enough” feeling. The” I’ll run second to everyone” feeling. 

And I was momentarily furious.

Don’t you dare, I thought, don’t you dare give me some sugary compliment. You don’t get to do that. You did not pass the cool test back in the day.

(yeah, I have a cool test for potential friends, sue me.)

Your initial disability aversion was pretty large all those years ago so that means you don’t get a pass to start being nice to me in that particular  way.

Of course he meant nothing by it it was a harmless gesture . I’m aware of that. But my brain apparently isn’t. And wants me to flash back to that
unduly needy,  vulnerable freshman who did get hurt, instead of the oversized broad with the tough skin who would simply laugh genuinely, appreciate the gesture,  pleased at how far she has come.

I have a quirky brain. And sometimes it takes me places  I have no wish to go.


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