The suffering thing.

April 25, 2014 at 12:47 PM (Uncategorized)

I studied hard before I converted to Catholicism and joined the church. And one of those things that I understood was that your sufferings are to be given up to God.

I am not a dull person. I understand the concept very well. intellectually I think I have a grasp of it.

But why is it so difficult? It seems very hard to implement when you have multiple streams going on. I also noticed my white American privilege at these times because even here compared to some other things I still have some. What about those people in Syria what about the people in Darfur.? Their lives are hard on the scale I can barely even comprehend. So I should quit my bitchin suck it up and live with what I’ve got.

But I don’t quit. Because stupid me or not I never imagined myself here. I never imagined this circumstance for me at this age.
(I am 52 ) Captivity in a nursing facility, perhaps for quite some while. And because it’s a circumstance I never imagined the brain is scrambling trying to keep up, and live with indignities I’d imagine no one would want.

And there’s no good answer to that question of how how to take all this and simply give it to God, or for non religious people put it in a metal box somewhere, where it won’t affect and inform every decision making process I had
to make over the last month or so.

If I could just put the pain physical and spiritual and the other indignities aside, I could focus more on how to cope with the grief, because it is a grief , to lose a stage of life too early.

I want to go home. I want to see the azaleas outside my living room window. I want to go to the bank and joke around with the tellers. I want to sit at the picnic table and be safe from rain. I want to go to the store and meet the deer on the way. They are
so used to the power chairs and other devices of myself and other people in the apartment the.deer don’t run off right away. they stare at you and walk toward you a little bit and you can speak to them. Then at some point they do decide we are dangerous and go back into the woods.

But, sigh I rest here. Here where nothing but necessary movement is useful. All the rest is made up stuff and carbohydrates, to keep us sugared up and quiet.

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2 Comments

  1. Kay Olson said,

    I think all religious talk of suffering is an attempt to articulate the soul of the human condition . As a guide to understanding the epic suffering of others or live the personal reality, it all falls short, doesn’t it?

    I am here, reading, my blogging friend.

    • imfunny2 said,

      Kay, I remember when I found you in early to middle 2005 right before I started one in myself. You were my mentor at this sort of thing. I looked at the gimp parade and I thought” what, what is this blogging thing and maybe I better do this myself.” I knew I would have a rougher less refined voice. My voice is more backyard yelling than academic discourse. What I wanted to say is you’ve had more to do with my creative experience here than any of the others found online and I found many wonderful blogs over the years. your particular voice was the thing that made me want to start doing this myself. So thank you and thank you for listening here at the edge of the world.

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