I’m supposed to have been here

April 21, 2010 at 8:39 AM (Uncategorized) (, , )

also supposed to be here now, and supposed to be here for some unknown amount of future time.

I’m tired.  I’m tired of a particular bit of drama that centers around my arrival on the planet as an accidental event.

Yes, I know.  I wasn’t planned for by either parent. Yes, I know, I wasn’t sought after.  Yes, I know that my late father castigated my mother about being unable to deliver an able bodied boychild…instead delivering a girlchild with impairments.

My mother feeling ‘stuck’ in a lousy marriage to a lousy guy does stem from my arrival on the planet.  If she needs help to wrestle through the damage he did I cannot be her therapist.

But I’m sick to death of taking any blame for that.

IT*IS*NOT*MY*FAULT.

I’m pretty clear that as regards the wider world and the bigger picture, I’m supposed to have been here.

Why?

Oh, there’s a list

Reasons I’m supposed to have been here

Chipmunks up north wouldn’t have gotten the peanuts I fed ’em on vacation.

My first grade version of the ‘Sound of Music’ would have had some other Maria.

My whole street wouldn’t have heard my first attempt at public speaking (at age 5)

My father would have acted like a jerk for much longer….since after about age 10, I refused to leave him alone about his drinkin’

Belinda at gimp camp would have continued to beg other people to do things she could do herself.

Me, dancing…a necessary exercise in pushing the envelope. Also, one of my boyfriends wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun.

The mutual scorn of me and the general public at my high school (my friends, of course were exempt)

And those friendships that I made and have kept…still vital, pleasant things.

Most dissed me because I was disabled, and I held them in great contempt because they were stupid.

College, much less disrespect, but much more alchohol…And why in the hell did some of my dorm mates come to me for romantic advice?  (Me, who believed at the time I was to remain the Perpetual Virgin?)  The real friendships I made, though, they remain interesting and full of good things.

Customers at my various jobs would still be wandering around wondering what their bills or Explanations of Benefits meant.

I believe very strongly my late husband would have had a shorter, sadder, more difficult time of it without me.

My father, same notation.

I would not have learned so much or had as many good times without the friends I made in my thirties, even if they aren’t friends anymore. Unless my memory decieves, I helped them out some too.

One ex boyfriend really did need to be verbally smacked on the Internet. (It should have happened as early as 1992, but I did not know him then.)

Actually putting on the superhero costume and helping another friend leave a disturbing past behind.

My forties, my first decade as a political animal.   Actually put my shoulder into it and pushed my Congresscritters and others via email.

Short version:  It no longer matters that my arrival was accidental.

I’m supposed to be here.

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1 Comment

  1. youknow said,

    Thanks for this timely post. And yes, you are supposed to be here, and I am supposed to be here, and your post just now reminded me of that. (not that I was on the edge or about to do anything, but all those messages, you know), So you are supposed to be here for so many reasons but one of those reasons was and is writing this very post which I read.

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