Sometimes, I hate my brain’s dreaming process

January 29, 2009 at 6:04 PM (Uncategorized) (, )

Not very often now, perhaps once every nine months, I have certain dreams where I do not have any idea that they are dreams…until I wake up.

Most of what I’ll call my ‘regular’ dreams are silly enough and about odd unimportant things that there’s a little sliver of my consciousness that says, while unable to actually wake, and get ‘out ‘ of the dream: “Hey, you know this is a dream right?”

These, on the other hand, are particularly vivid and realistic in setting and light and sound. They look like reality. I don’t know that I’m dreaming.

And he’s always in them.

In the latest one, I find that the late husband isn’t really dead. He’s been held somewhere all these years.

(my brain’s odd processing of the current discussions of Gitmo, no doubt)

He will be coming home and there is much preparation to do….

(and this is the piece of it that makes no sense; that should have jogged me that it *was* a dream.)

He has to go somewhere else in three weeks, and he won’t be coming back from there.

In the dream, it made me sad, but oddly foccused.

“Ok. I only have a little time. What shall we talk about? What will we do?

What is important to tell him about these past years? (Certainly not my post-widowhood, um, wild times…)

And I was keyed up with joy. Held like a tight string, ready to jump, because more and more calls were coming from him….crying from amazement, not from grief….

“I’m at the airport, honey.”

“I’ve picked up the car…” “I can’t wait to see you.”

And then, friends actually *saw* him, coming up the walk, laughed and described him…and the front door opened…

and I woke up.

And the crushing weight of what’s true, all compressed into that moment of wakening….I thought, “Lies! all lies and fakery…D@mnit!!!!”

Loved ones should only be taken from you *once!*

I had to cry for fifteen minutes.

Then I showered and went to work.

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1 Comment

  1. Lilian Nattel said,

    You’re right–it shouldn’t be more than once. I’m sorry that you had to go through that again.

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