January 17, 2009 at 1:06 PM (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

So, I’ve been surfing and lurking on some old and new style message boards for PWD’s…and it’s made me tired. More tired than dealing with a truly unwanted post op side effect that is making me housebound.

And gotten a bit staggered at the stories people are writing about….

And it’s all about targeting, vulnerability and, again and again…abandonment. (and it’s not just men abandoning women…while there’s more of that, there’s also a hefty amount of women bailing on men.)

A disabled person meets someone…that someone seems to be the answer, perhaps to a long long while without a physical relationship or a romantic one….not only do they have a relationship, the significant other appears quite positive about cohabitation and or marriage.

So the two move in together…and after a varying timeframe the drug problem, or the money problem or the abusiveness, or whatever is discovered…and a long time or short time after that the person leaves for their next victim, leaving, more often than not huge debts, or worse competing restraining orders, assault etc.

So, radically, this is what I say.

As you are goofily and shamelessly romantic and phyiscal with this person…who may turn out to be completely marvelous….

Part of the attraction for any predator is physical or emotional vulnerability, and people who exhibit these things are, let’s face it, more likely to be targeted.

Don’t tell them where you keep your checks or credit cards. If they stumble on them, put them somewhere else….

Keep your money completely separate. Track the joint expenses, and make sure there’s a fair balance between the amt of money you have/take in every month and the amount you’re paying out.

If you cohabit or marry, make sure the other person is utterly clear beforehand of the list of actions that they could take that would result in immediate separation or divorce. Use humor, but make completely certain they know you mean what you say.

And here, to me, is the most radical suggestion of all…

Have the romance the relationship, the real connection, but wait *years* before you move in with an able partner…because by then they’ll know if they really have the spine to have a longterm relationship with a disabled person. For some reason, for a lot of them, it’s some hugely terrifying thing….

(How many in the audience have had the breakup that begins with “I’m sorry, it’s me, I just can’t cope…” after the first physical crisis…or the second…My hand is raised…)

And then, from my own personal smoking ruin of a past relationship….don’t give another PWD a freepass and figure they’ll change, just because they understand impairment in many of the same ways you do…jerks, losers, and users are both able and disabled.


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