My list of…

March 2, 2008 at 7:33 PM (Uncategorized) ()

I was going to call it my list of failures, and then I thought, no, my list of changes, and then I thought, f- it they *are* my list of failures and the only thing good about them is that I own them, damnit. On some things I *am* self aware rather than self indulgent, so self aware in fact, that it feels like a basement with a single bright bulb that never goes out, full of messy boxes.

I couldn’t finish my second masters. (Or, find work using my first.)  I mislaid, misplaced or plain had stolen a grey backpack with a bible, and my first lenghthy detailed research notes on the Great Awakening  (I’m unsure if it was the first or second…..it was to be the first piece of a masters thesis) and I just went to my advisor and said “Fcuk it.”  I didn’t see  any way to go back to the beginning and/or pick something else…the stipend was ending, I was about to get married, and I was getting intimations it would be a rough road.

Law School.  Same notation, just alot quicker.

Marriage.   I was unable to reckon that I should just be fine as what they used to call an old maid.  I should have had the strength of will to override love and settle for work.  And, if he wasn’t the wrong person, it was surely the wrong place, time, and convergence of various events past and future to do that.

I didn’t find a way to make my maternal parent mind her own business without moving 1300 miles.  I should have been able to shut out the parts of her communication style that threatened to drive me nuts.  Then, perhaps, I wouldn’t be 1300 miles from the rest of the family, and I wouldn’t have had to reconcile with Mom completely on my own.  (I’m glad I’ve at least managed that.)

I didn’t stay connected to my father’s people well, after he died, and now they’re hurt and mistrustful.   I don’t blame them.

Then there are the things others see as my ‘failures’ which I absolutely have no space in my head to assign the label of ‘faliure’ to

My weight.

Holy Christ.  I’m the same inside person.  Do you like that person?  If *yes* then, not to be rude but STFU.

I used to use crutches but now I can’t.

The foot pain is getting to the point that I use the mute button on the work phone, cry a bit at a sudden sharp moment, and then get back into a customer call.

The walking is done for awhile.  Suck it up.

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