Things they wish they hadn’t said

December 10, 2006 at 1:32 PM (Blogging)

One of the other places I read said something she wished she hadn’t…she felt she’d revealed too much of herself. She left the post up, but explained that now she thinks we all know a bit too much about her,

I don’t agree, but that’s because I have no shame.

And what she said got me thinking…

So I’m going to open up a bit on a (slightly ) related subject.

When I was an adolescent, both parents were very much on the She Should do Just as The Other Kids Do, bandwagon. It is mainly a good thing, but can be a double edged sword.

There were the two exceptions, Driving and Pregnancy, that they didn’t give an inch on.

They were right about the driving part. Plenty of people with cerebral palsy drive, so I’ve tried three times and nearly hit some young boys and their dog. I took that as a sign from Deity that my parents had been right about the driving thing, and let that lie.

Way down deep…the pregnancy thing matters.

Its too late now. Chemotherapy made that choice.

There are times that I wish for the two types of kids I might have had…leaving out of course, the ilness that my late husband had.

The first and best, some tow headed blond boy full of energy, or a girl, either or both with my late husbands eyes, who might have combined his father’s love of basebal with my mother’s gift for athleticsm. I would have shrugged, smiled, and resigned myself to raising a jock or two.

He was smart and I was smart so, the child would have had a chance of being one of those annoying braniacs too.

Or, the second possibility offspring of myself and the most EvilDisabledManAlive.

I have a good memory, but his was photographic.
I know two languages, he knew four, counting computer science.

An able bodied kid with a handle on that sort of skill would have either been the coolest child ever, or that scary brainwashed Presidential hopeful in “The Manchurian Candidate,” had a court awarded custody to the father instead of me. I don’t know if I would have been truly up to raising that child, but I would have given it my best.

And, I should have had the chance for one or the other. Sometimes I’m just as angry that I didn’t have a child as that I lost a spouse.

If I were better with money, yes I would, and still do consider adoption, because being a decent parent doesn’t require pregnancy…

But I’m not, and handling my own self care is chancy at best, so….

I miss those “what if” children.

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8 Comments

  1. bridgett said,

    I too have my regretted “what if” child — the one that didn’t happen with the first love. I was pregnant once during that long long relationship and miscarried; had the pregnancy progressed, I probably would have aborted because I was so young and the relationship had no room in it for anyone but the two principals. Fate removed that choice and so I don’t have myself to blame for my regrets at least. I sometimes dream of that kid, always a blonde daughter. She would now be nearly twenty years old. God, what a different life that would have been. She’d have been almost through college.

    Luckily, I had a second love and a second chance at everything and it’s all been just as I had hoped. Incredible.

  2. bridgett said,

    I too have my regretted “what if” child — the one that didn’t happen with the first love. I was pregnant once during that long long relationship and miscarried; had the pregnancy progressed, I probably would have aborted because I was so young and the relationship had no room in it for anyone but the two principals. Fate removed that choice and so I don’t have myself to blame for my regrets at least. I sometimes dream of that kid, always a blonde daughter. She would now be nearly twenty years old. God, what a different life that would have been. She’d have been almost through college.

    Luckily, I had a second love and a second chance at everything and it’s all been just as I had hoped. Incredible.

  3. Attila The Mom said,

    Life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect, does it. 😦

    It’s always awkward and hard to know what to say when someone opens a vein….

    Thanks so much for putting it out there. I really do understand what you’re saying.

    xo

  4. Attila The Mom said,

    Life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect, does it. 😦

    It’s always awkward and hard to know what to say when someone opens a vein….

    Thanks so much for putting it out there. I really do understand what you’re saying.

    xo

  5. The Goldfish said,

    One of the funny things about not wanting to have children is that I have no desire to reproduce myself, but sometimes I look at AJ and think, “Cor, what a child would benefit from such a father!”

    I also think that, as someone who doesn’t want children and knowing how strong that is, I imagine that if folks’ desire to have them is nearly that strong, then it must sting terribly.

    A person can be a good parent without biology, but a person can also contribute a hell of a lot to the lives of young people, the next generation by all sorts of different means. I am sure you do that.

    Thanks for sharing.

  6. The Goldfish said,

    One of the funny things about not wanting to have children is that I have no desire to reproduce myself, but sometimes I look at AJ and think, “Cor, what a child would benefit from such a father!”

    I also think that, as someone who doesn’t want children and knowing how strong that is, I imagine that if folks’ desire to have them is nearly that strong, then it must sting terribly.

    A person can be a good parent without biology, but a person can also contribute a hell of a lot to the lives of young people, the next generation by all sorts of different means. I am sure you do that.

    Thanks for sharing.

  7. imfunnytoo said,

    Haven’t had too much chance to do that in the Rockies, but, yes I’ve enjoyed mentoring my cousins (just a little!) back home.

    Now that we’re all grownups, it isn’t quite as fun.

  8. imfunnytoo said,

    Haven’t had too much chance to do that in the Rockies, but, yes I’ve enjoyed mentoring my cousins (just a little!) back home.

    Now that we’re all grownups, it isn’t quite as fun.

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