November 17, 2006 at 1:29 PM (Uncategorized)

I loved to dance. I’m not talking about dance-as-scheduled-performance.

I’m talking about dance-as-connection-with-something. Dance brings me closer to music.

People have explained the spiritual concept of nirvana to me. I believe that music is my particular nirvana…

There’s a difference in how I sing and listen and possibly even respond to music…because of a characteristic called absolute pitch, the thing-that-means-I-hear-the-exact-note-in-my-head.

“That’s an F sharp. “

“That’s a D”

“That’s a B flat.”

It’s not just enjoyment. It’s something else…and while a period of popular music is tough to listen to, it doesn’t mean I don’t listen to any music at all all. Dance became my chance to answer back, to create a response to songs I liked….when the situation didn’t call for me just belting something out in the middle of the floor. (I was nerdy enough, didn’t need to confound it).

And due to my cerebral palsy the moves looked very different than the able dancing to the same song…But it was the first thing I did, that I absolutely could have cared less what the able felt. That was ridiculously freeing.

The background was usually the popular music of the last thirty years…In a club, dressed up, with some able people looking a bit freaked that I’m out there, and others not.

For me was about the intermittent gift of steps that worked as if they were actual programmed dance steps, in time and in character with the song. They didn’t stay, I could not count on them, but I reveled in them when they worked.

And then there was that marvelous element of risk. If you are still on your feet, and you have cerebral palsy, and you commit to dance as hard as you can–especially if the song isn’t a ballad….you’re out there on the balance beam you walk on all the time…and instead of just walking on it, you begin to *dance* on it….that’s the edge….I think it also ended up feeding my bipolar highs but that’s not necessarily a bad thing…

It didn’t look “right.” But that’s not why I did it. I did it for the internal dialogue between sound and pacing, rhythm and movement, notes and gestures….one able friend said…”It’s weird. You dance better than you walk.”

I don’t pine for that style of dancing, now, I just do it with my upper body head and arms….I miss the risk taking though. Purposefully dancing so you’re about to fall, but never quite do….

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Well, it’s been confirmed…

November 17, 2006 at 12:35 PM (Uncategorized)

Some relations concerned for my health (I appreciate the concern, believe me,) have suggested weight loss surgery….

I brought the question to my doc, and my doc confirmed that due to existing impairments that affect my gut, I am not a candidate for it. So, I’m going to have to simply continue to eat healthy, move when I can and remind myself of two things society won’t.

“It’s okay to take up space. ” and

“There are worse things in the world than being fat.”

Proud of my blood pressure though. Two previous practices were all trying to push pills pills pills on me but it’s been within the normal range for months now…and not going anywhere.

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