Reasons I now know that

April 5, 2006 at 6:12 PM (Disabled, Left, Right)

I was not ultimately meant to spend hours working out the small corners of ideas, schools of thought, etc, although I find them fascinating.

Apologies for the incoherence of this next. I’d rather write shorter sentences and use more colorful, direct language…but I’m trying to be careful.

I do not have the intellectual stones to back up and quietly accept an idea, an ideology because I agree with most of it. At least not every single time.

And, yes, my “personal” stories that relate to more general discourses about, well anything, are *always* too close to the surface because of temper, and other things that relate back to my intermittent wrestle with depression, and my perception that minus meds I’d be even more prickly, peeved, volatile and difficult on a regular basis.

This post, for example. I like a lot of what is said. The intellectual perpetual student recognizes some serious, great ideas. I loved reading it. It’s a genuine attempt to understand, to bridge the gap between more common “liberal” positions, and what happens to them when they intersect with disability. And the author also has personal experience to back it up.

But, the emotionally off the hook side of my brain (or lizard brain) knocks my interested intellect off its feet and and says “Shut UP!” “Just Shut The He!! Up Right Now!”

How am I supposed to sit there and calmly debate this and agree that in order to create a zone of privacy for someone else and their decision to terminate a pregnancy that would result in disability, or some somber Death With Dignity advocate that won’t listen to the *current anguish* of someone who realizes they might want to stay around a bit more, and does not want to be bound by the living will they wrote some long life ago…

What I feel when I read things by others on the left is a subtle pressure that by not lining up and just *choosing a side* as the current political and cultural and social climate seems to demand…that I’m someone neither side wants if I won’t check off *all* the *core values* or *key* issues of the left side of the debate.

I have a visceral certainty, a gut feeling that if abortion was completely devoid of any stigma or bad connotations….and had been around for many years that there wasn’t any scandal or talk associated with young women who chose abortions…

I can think of at least twenty cool disabled people that I know that *wouldn’t be here.*
And that’s not a moot point. Not for twenty future disabled people who would/will/might be just as cool.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to impose my angst on anybody in the offline real world because I don’t consider my opinions as “objectively right” for anybody else. I do get that part, that I don’t get to dictate what someone else chooses…nor should I judge them and make them feel guilt.

But that bit about silence implying tacit agreement…

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